My little niece is coming over for a visit in a while and instead of being an excited aunt, I’m dreading the visit. There are a few different reasons for this. No, it’s not because she’ll be taught to call me அத்தை though that does have a weird sound to it.
It’s more that I’m not fond of children, especially toddlers who end up more often than not triggering anxiety with their nonstopness. And my life currently is rather precariously balanced and I’m afraid of what this disruption will do to it/me. It also has to do with her mother, who I never had a great relationship with and who sunk quite low in my estimation a while back.
But most of all, I think the main reason I’m dreading this visit is because I’m jealous. Yup, jealous of a little child whom I’ve scarcely met or interacted with. I’m jealous of the attention she’ll get. From my parents, specifically. Reminds me of the attention I never got from them. Of how even the little attention I used to get has dried up. She may not be the reason for this, but it’s hard not to resent what she has.
It is also hard because I lost my last grandparent recentishly and have still not quite been able to come to terms with that. What makes it harder is that my ஆயா was the one person who loved me unconditionally. I was her particular favourite and no matter what I did or didn’t do, she’d always take my side and make excuses for me. I miss her so. My niece has her grandparents and I don’t. She has attention and love, and I don’t. I wish I knew how to get past this, but I don’t.
Ramble With(out) A Cause 