Why not me? This is the form my jealousy always takes. Not why doesn’t this happen to me. But why won’t they talk to me, give me attention when they do so with others. It’s very silly and I realise it but can’t help feeling it all the same.
Have felt this in varying degrees with most people I like. Not like in a romantic sense necessarily but on any level. Even casual online acquaintances. Twitter’s new algorithm has been making this worse lately by seemingly strongly deranking all my tweets. Only a handful of people still see and interact with me on there. Meanwhile I see all my old favourites interacting with each other and it makes me feel so left out and alone. I know it’s not their fault, but I also know that in their place, I would seek out their tweets even if the algo chose not to show them to me. I would find ways to reach out to them. That they don’t reciprocate does hurt.
I’m also strongly feeling this jealousy again now with respect to that person I spoke about in that earlier blog post. I see them talking to others on social media, I see their references to interactions with others off social media. So why not me? In their case, it’s worse because of how close we were not that long ago and how they’ve very clearly shunned me in recent times.
Argh, need to get over this useless line of thought. Doesn’t help one bit. There is not good answer to this. Only they know why and they will never tell me — I feel sure of this. Just move on. Move the fuck on.
Sorry about that. Just needed to get that out. Too depressed and low on energy to write anything more today. I’ll try to do better tomorrow. Didn’t want to break the streak and also needed to just vent this somewhere. But I can’t even vent about it properly. Have half a mind to delete this whole post and let today go postless.
Nah, I’ll let this stay as a snapshot of my current frame of mind. Of how stupid I’m being today and of my own resistance to said stupidity also, however weak the resistance may be. Reason hasn’t lost completely so maybe there’s hope for recovery eventually. Let’s hope so.
Ramble With(out) A Cause 